Self Matters : Creating Your Life from the Inside Out
by Phillip C. McGraw
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Hardcover (13 November, 2001)
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Reviews (164)

Depressed?Buy this to get further depressed
(Even one star is too high of a rating!)
I'm not as qualified as other reviewers but here I go any way.This was the first book I read by Dr Phil and what a disappointment.I 'was' a fan of his TV show until I read this book!

I found myself getting depressed while reading 2/3's of the book and simply stopped reading it.We all know our past experiences impact who we are and how we got where we are.He really did not need to take up 120 pages telling us that.

I turned to "Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential" by Pastor Joel Osteen to pick up the pieces.:)

It's a matter of preference but if I want to feel better about who I am as a person I'd rather not read something to make me relive experiences that I have already come to terms with.

If you want to get positive about life, go for something POSITIVE.But it is NOT this book!

Good luck!

Too many vegetables, not enough meat and potatoes
I decided to title this review with a "Phil-ism" because this is the first thing you have to get used to if you read or listen to anything Dr. Phil says. I bought this book when it first came out in 2001 because I was struck by his no-nonsense, sensible approach to issues when I first saw him on the Oprah Winfrey show which was a refreshing change from the 'girly men'-type self-helpers either promulgating a 'victimization mentality' or hocking some sort of pseudo-New Age type techniques to solve all of your ills. Didn't read it until now and although my thoughts about Dr. Phil have changed since I first bought it, I will attempt to give an unbiased review from memory.

Basically as others have stated, this book attempts to show that most people's entire self concept is influenced by external things that have happened in their lives and much more importantly, by how these external factors (10 defining moments, 7 critical choices, 5 pivotal people) are internalized in your psyche.These negative internal feelings that you harbor in various ways then prevent you from living a fulfilling, happy life - not living within your 'authentic self'Dr. McGraw attempts to guide you through the mechanisms of how these thoughts materialize in your 'fictional self' and how you can change them as to take advantage of all of the abilities, needs, and desires that you were born with.

I read through the entire book, but I felt it to be a bit tedious.He takes too much time explaining and defining conceps and reiterating the fact all to often that HE is going to show you how to improve your life, yet he makes you do all the work! True, to change any portion of your life YOU have to make sacrifices and exert some effort, but Dr. Phil doesn't really do much in the way of anything except just giving you a high school pep talk before you play the game.A book filled with more real-life examples of his patient's stories and how they got in touch with their authentic selves would have benefitted me much more than a cornucopia of psychological termas: AAAs, MERs, etc. I always hear Dr. Phil say to "Get Real" so isn't the best way to do that is to hear 'real' stories by 'real people'? He spends 3/4 of the book explaining terms and concepts and only the last chapter telling you how to implement them. To me, implementation is the most difficult and important thing you have to do if you want to change your life and THAT should have been a bulk of the book.All in all, it was too long-winded.

In my hardback edition, there was definitely a problem in the math dept. In the first section where you have to divide 2 numbers to get a guage on to what degree you are living in your fictional self, the editor put in a square root symbol and relating to the exercises in Appendices A and B, the charts given to determine your degree of locus of control are NOT explained as well as wrong (should be from 5 to 20 NOT 5-40 from what I could see)Another thing that irked my was some of Dr. Phil's plain Texas talk. To me, he loses some credibility.If you want me to be the best person I can be, to show me that I'm special with unique abilites, don't talk to me like a commoner! I don't want psychobabble either, but I would take what he says more seriously if he talked to me as a professional.

There is some value in every book and I did find some things in here, such at the hierarchy of how you base your critical choices, some good quotations, and it did help me understand why some people in my life are they way are. On a whole though, it didn't really help me that much and wasn't worth the time spent.

SELF MATTERS-DR. PHIL
I LOVED THIS BOOK!
DR. PHIL PROVIDES SOUND REASONING AND EXCELLENT TOOLS WE CAN USE TO CHANGE OUR LIVES.
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK, 'SELF MATTERS'... TO ANYONE WHO 'THINKS' THEY ARE POWERLESS TO GET ON WITH LIFE. ... Read more

Isbn: 074322423X
Sales Rank: 3588
Subjects:  1. Careers - General    2. Personal Growth - Self-Esteem    3. Personal Growth - Success    4. Psychology    5. Self-Help    6. Self-actualization (Psychology    7. Self-actualization (Psychology)    8. Self-realization    9. Self-Help / General   

Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters
by Phillip C. McGraw
Average Customer Review:
Hardcover (January, 1999)
list price: $22.95 -- our price: $15.61
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Editorial Review

Some people spend their lives reacting to what life hands them, while others craft life to fit their goals. Author Phillip C. McGraw, who is a psychologist but describes himself as a strategist, is determined to make sure that his readers are the creators of their lives, not created by their lives. By accepting that you are personally accountable for every element of your life, McGraw says, you can erase the negative "epidemic behaviors" (found in all of American society: denial, false assumptions, inertia, deceptive masking) in your life and reach your goals.

Written in a tough-love, sometimes cantankerous tone, this self-help book is not for those looking to explore their inner child or visualize away negative energy. No, this is pull-yourself-up-by-the- bootstraps advice from someone who's done just that. McGraw opens with a scene describing how he helped Oprah Winfrey survive--and win--the 1998 "Mad Cow" lawsuit in Texas, when she was having difficulty coping with the reality of what was happening to her. He helped her face the facts about the lawsuit, after which she was better able to participate in crafting a strategy to win it.

McGraw first forces you to take a good hard look at who you are by dissecting your personality. It may be painful to realize that you fall into the "Porcupine" or "Perfecto" or any of the other personality types McGraw delineates, but here it's true that there's no gain without pain, because (Life Law No. 4) "You Can't Change What You Don't Acknowledge." He then describes in depth all 10 "Life Laws"--the rules by which the world plays--that he learned the hard way. Laws such as "You Either Get It, or You Don't," "Life Is Managed; It Is Not Cured," and "You Have to Name It to Claim It" make up the bulk of the book and McGraw's realist philosophy.

If you learn and abide by the Life Laws and go on to create a Life Strategy, McGraw claims you will not only know yourself better and eliminate negative behaviors, you will also know how to reach any goal you set for yourself. --Stefanie Durbin ... Read more

Reviews (267)

Takes a more personal stance, rather than professional.
McGraw tells readers they must stop playing the victim and take responsibility for their lives. He helps people identify their weaknesses so they can change them and get out of whatever rut they may be in. The book doesn't specifically address the self-confidence that aids in appeal or the uncertain job climate brought about by technology.

Your Life Matters
Dr. Phil provides a practical guide on how to find out what counts and implement it in your life in a way that is personally meaningful.

Read Make It Happen! by Linda Pynaker to re-evaluate the major areas of your life, including career, relationships, home, and leisure time.Set your life in motion using spirituality as your guide!

Keep up the good work
He actually has a lot to teach in a time when the term "common sense" has lost it's meaning, and isn't so common anymore. ... Read more

Isbn: 0786865482
Subjects:  1. Change (Psychology)    2. Motivational & Inspirational    3. Personal Growth - General    4. Personal Growth - Success    5. Psychological aspects    6. Psychology    7. Self-Help    8. Success    9. Self-Help / Success   

Relationship Rescue: A Seven Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner
by Phil McGraw
Average Customer Review:
Hardcover (08 February, 2000)
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Editorial Review

As a follow-up to his bestselling book Life Strategies, Oprah acolyte Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D., moves from aiding the aimless individual to coaching the disconnected couple. McGraw has distilled his more than two decades of counseling experience into a seven-step strategy he calls "Relationship Rescue."

"I'm prepared to kick a hole in the wall of the pain-ridden, unhappy maze you've gotten yourself into, and provide you clear access to action-oriented answers and instructions on what you must do to have what you want," says Dr. Phil. His aim is to expose and eliminate the saboteurs that cause senseless damage to already-fragile marriages, and, like an emotional root canal, to replace them with values he says provide positive results. If you follow Dr. Phil's strategy, he will lead you on a precise journey to uncover your heart and then share it with your partner as part of taking the "risk of intimacy."

Dr. Phil leads you to "reconnect with your core" in the first five steps of his seven-step strategy. By no means a quick fix, there are in-depth and rigorous questionnaires, surveys, tests, and profiles that require a "brutally candid" mindset, with such fill-in-the-blanks as "List five things that today would make you fall out of love with your partner." With this internal work accomplished, you'll then move on to reconnecting with your partner during a two-week, half-hour-a-day short course. As a "dyad," you and your loved one take turns giving monologues on topics such as "The most positive thing I took away from my mother and father's relationship was..."

Once the "reconnection" has been established, Dr. Phil says the work shifts to a management role, as relationships are always a work in progress. Dr. Phil humorously refers to his own marriage throughout the book, sharing his mishaps and victories in learning to accept and enjoy what he sees as fundamental but complementary differences between men and women. --John Youngs ... Read more

Reviews (76)

Dr. Phil To The Rescue!
I enjoy all of Dr. Phil's books--I find them intelligent, well-organized and insightful. This book is one of his best because to shows that relationships in trouble really need the equivalent of a SWAT team -- that's your time and attention. In the family/parenting genre I also love Annie Lamott and I really enjoyed a book about the magic of being a father and the difficulty of marriage, "I Sleep At Red Lights: A True Story of Life After Triplets," by Bruce Stockler.

A REAL WAKE UP CALL
Listen all couples, I am or was in a pretty bad relationship, and convinced my girlfriend to read the book with me. Dr.Phil yet speaks the truth, you and only you can see it within yourself, all Dr. Phil does is gives it to you in another way you may be able to understand. I am far from perfect but after reviewing this book, I have changed my entire outlook, its just to bad it took me 29 years to do so.

Im happy to say I'm much happier with the things that are happening in my life.

BUY THIS BOOK, it will forever change your thinking for the better.

Keep up the good work
He actually has a lot to teach in a time when the term "common sense" has lost it's meaning, and isn't so common anymore.
... Read more

Isbn: 0786866314
Subjects:  1. Family & Relationships    2. General    3. Interpersonal Relations    4. Love & Romance    5. Love / Sex / Marriage    6. Marital psychotherapy    7. Marriage    8. Marriage counseling    9. Personal Growth - General    10. Popular works    11. Self-Help    12. Family & Relationships / Interpersonal Relations   

BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE
by Dr. Henry Cloud Dr. John Townsend
Average Customer Review:
Hardcover (01 September, 1999)
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Editorial Review

Establishing and understanding boundaries are crucial to the success of a marriage, according to authors Cloud and Townsend, who cowrote the award-winning and biblically-based book Boundaries. For example, boundaries help us understand where one person ends and the other begins, the authors claim: "Once we know the boundaries, we know who should be owning the problem we are wrestling with," they write. "This issue of ownership is vital to any relationship, especially marriage." But more significantly, couples need to claim and take responsibility for the "treasures that lie within their individual borders," such as: "feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, desires, thoughts, values, talents, and love." Based on the book that elevated them to national prominence, Cloud and Townsend caution readers not to use this self-help manifesto as a means to change one's spouse. Rather, this is a book about taking responsibility for oneself in all aspects of life, but especially within the boundaries of marital commitment. ... Read more

Reviews (10)

A Very Useful Book, But You May Still Need a Pro
A Very Useful Book, But You May Still Need a Pro
Reviewer: siddheartha from Warren, MI USA
This is a very good book about boundaries.
Yes, it is steeped in Christianity. If you are a Christian, that is a very big plus and will make this book even more helpful. However, if you are not, you can still get great value from this book.
This book will teach, giving examples, about building appropriate boundaries in your marriage. If you are not married you can still prepare. Starting with good, strong boundaries will help you pick a better mate (for you), and make for a stronger marriage, too.
If you are in a troubled marriage, it may be difficult to use this book. If the good will in the marriage has headed south, get a marriage counselor who is familiar with the book and willing to help you both build better boundaries.
Those with good boundaries are the happiest people.
Good luck! Enjoy.
Oh, why not 5 stars? It is a well-written book. The examples are mostly useful. And as much as I like the reliance on Christian values, the book leans on them too much.
It is a very subjective thing. So I can understand most people give 5 stars.

Hard Read
The authors of this book need to get out of the physco-babble and into an english class. While the concepts of the book are sound (and helpful), it is often difficult to get past their poor english to the points they are attempting to make. Be prepared to wade through the unnecessary words.

Excelent..
I've been married for over 11 years and I found this book to be a great find. Both Cloud and Townsend have done a great job giving great advice. ... Read more

Isbn: 031022151X
Subjects:  1. Christianity    2. Christianity - Christian Life - Marriage    3. Marriage    4. Married people    5. Psychology    6. Psychology of Religion    7. Religion    8. Religion - Marriage & Family    9. Religious aspects    10. CHRISTIAN LIVING RELATIONSHIPS LOVE & MARRIAGE    11. Religion / Psychology of Religion   

How To Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing In Two Dates Or Less
by Neil Clark Warren
Average Customer Review:
Paperback (25 September, 1999)
list price: $10.99
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Reviews (18)

Helps you determine what REALLY matters to you.A+
An excellent guide through an introspective process, which will reveal those aspects of a potential mate that are key for you.Once you can see what is so important to you that it will ultimately make or break a relationship, the rest is pretty easy.Read it.Think about it.Second dates with people who couldn't possibly be "the one" will no longer be necessary.This was the book that made the difference for me.I give it an A+.

Get the best advice on dating, marriage and relationships
This book helps you really look at yourself, learn to know yourself, then you determine what traits are really important in a mate. What bugs you, what can you live with, what things can you just not stand in a mate?

This book helps you look at common wish lists for a mate and find out what matters most to YOU. Then you learn to determine if someone has these traits, so you don't waste your time on dating someone you could never be happy with.

This book makes sense, and helps people pin down what really matters to THEM. I'd recommend it highly to anyone looking for a relationship.

If you are in a relationship and its not working out, this book could also help you figure out what's wrong. This one should be on everyone's book shelves, its a great book to loan to friends and family if you don't need it yourself.

This book uses sound principals of true personality compatability.

Ministry to Singles
I am a military chaplain.One of the questions I face comes in the area of relationships.People looking around for the right one.I have suggested this book numerous times to others.It worked for me.I would highly recommend it for someone recouping after a bad relationship before going back or to another relationship. ... Read more

Isbn: 0785269045
Sales Rank: 52430
Subjects:  1. Christianity - Christian Life - General    2. Christianity - Christian Life - Interpersonal Relationships    3. Dating (Social customs)    4. Family & Relationships    5. Family/Marriage    6. Love & Romance    7. Man-woman relationships    8. Mate selection    9. Religion - Marriage & Family    10. Love & Marriage    11. Single Living   

Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner
by Neil Warren
Average Customer Review:
Paperback (01 December, 1994)
list price: $14.00 -- our price: $11.20
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Reviews (22)

Don't miss the best part of the book!
I found this book very helpful when my 'then-boyfriend' and I were first considering engagement. A lot of the concepts you've probably heard before, so feel free to skim the chapter material. However, the part of this book that was most valuable to us was the list of 50 (or was it 100?) helpful similarities/topics to discuss with your soon-to-be-spouse. We spent hours and hours going through the bullet points. A lot of things came up that we would not have even thought to discuss, and we learned alot about each other. So buy the book, skim the chapters, and tarry on the list. HE even enjoyed it!

Worth a read
I was a skeptic when I bought the book recently, simply because I have been married thirty-eight years and early this year (2004) my best friend and husband died unexpectedly and all I have thought of was how blessed I was and dear God where will I ever find someone half as good as my husband.

And we had only known each other two days when in 1966 we decided to get married.We were sober and drug free so it wasn't a situation of two drunks/druggies choosing to do something wild. Yet, years later we both admitted that something told each of us that this was 'it.

So some of what the author writes simply doesn't make much sense to me.Thus I think he is probably writing for the general audience and not people with a triage mentality who using all their senses, can read a situation and know that they will lose if they don't say 'yes'.

I guess I would have loved to have read more challenging questions like the ones we taught our son who is now happily married to ask himself when dating and considering a wife.Like would you marry and stay with this person if five years from now you discovered he/she couldn't produce a child with you? Or if she/he developed an addiction and needed help, or contracted cancer and might die?What if the person lost their job and like in some bad economies is unable to find work for a year or more?What if this person is hit by a drunk driver and is disfigured, maimed, disabled, would you still stay with them? And what if he/she could never again have sex?

Now you may wonder why I gave it 5 stars. Well, for the vast majority in today's society I think the basics he covers are what most people need and what most people haven't been challenged to think about.So for that reason its a great start. I simply hope he writes a follow up book.

My husband always concentrated on the 'for worse...for poorer....in sickness' when we talked about our marriage vows because when we married it was a covenant with God.This is something I wish the author had written more on and that Focus on the Family publishers would have insisted on more.

Because when we lost a baby, had a failed adoption and our birth child was born with serious medical issues and later was hit by a drunk driver and then two years later my husband was as well, and left disabled, I know deep down that the few times I wanted to run away because it was all to hard, that it was the reminder that my husband and I had an agreement or covenant with God that our marriage should be 'until death do we part'.

Another dopey book for women
Women - even intelligent women - waste YEARS of their lives looking for some dope to marry them despite all the scientific research that: 1) Half of all marriages end in divorce (would you invest even part of your savings in a business that had a 50% chance of going belly up? So why invest your entire life in an institution with the same failure rate?). 2) Marriages that survive make the participants only 1% happier (after the first two years)than those who never marry. 3) Marriages that survive and are "happy" are actually "parallel marriages" where the individuals may live together but actually have separate, parallel lives and interests - they are more like friends and roomates rather than the romantically unrealistic situations pictured in movies and books. 4) Study after study confirms the fact that the happiest men and women are those with careers, hobbies, and activities that are personally intriguing and absorbing. If you are super intelligent, marriage will become boring very quickly. If you are lacking in intelligence, you will drive your husband crazy seeking emotional fulfillment to complete your life that no human being could possibly give you on a sustained basis. 5) Romantic feelings are temporary chemical states which could be compared to hallucinatory/subjective distortions of reality and the actual value of an individual. The body chemical oxytocin makes you fall in love and when it peters out (usually after 6 months to three years), your eye starts to stray in the attempt to get that high again. Because the chemical has worn off, you no longer think Mr. Wonderful is so wonderful. What a letdown when we come out of the daze and see how average our mates really are. We fall in love with people we think are extraordinary. In truth, most men and woman are very ordinary and average. Only temporary insanity brought on by hormones makes us think otherwise. If you really want to be happy live a life full of activity, and enough hard work to make you enjoy and appreciate the times of leisure. Too much work or the wrong kind of work will kill you. Too much leisure will bore you. Find the balance. This book teaches you how to get married. The bigger question is why you should bother. ... Read more

Isbn: 0671892010
Sales Rank: 9675
Subjects:  1. Christianity - Christian Life - Interpersonal Relationships    2. Christianity - Christian Life - Marriage    3. General    4. Love    5. Marriage    6. Mate selection    7. Religion - Singles    8. Self-Help    9. United States    10. Self-Help / General   

Learning to Live With the Love of Your Life: And Loving It!
by Neil Warren
Average Customer Review:
Paperback (01 November, 1998)
list price: $12.99 -- our price: $10.39
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Reviews (1)

Every person will profit from reading this book
Just the title already caught my eyes. Here I was in the midst of feeling hopeless about my marriage, not having any desire to work on it anymore and accepting my fate as inevitable when I passed by a row of books in aChristian gathering. Immediately, this understated cover caught my eyes. Ididn't have enough cash with me then and managed somehow to gather thecoins to buy the book and have been grateful ever since for the informationand loving ways that it has conveyed this message.

Yes, there are secretsto developing a better relationship.Neil Clark Warren presents theserevelations which most of us know from bits and pieces of other readingsinto a concise and user friendly method. That it is aimed at makingmarriages work was painful to begin with since that assumed that one had tohave a desire to save his marriage.

Well, the topics and information willbe good for any relationship and if it will save some marriages, it wouldhave been all to the credit of the style and layout and content of thisbook.

I have been writing a series for the newspaper here guided by muchof what the book says. My articles are called Food of Love and if thatwould help any of the readers, they have Mr. Warren to thank. His name isalways mentioned in the articles.

More power and blessings to you. ... Read more

Isbn: 1561796514
Sales Rank: 200840
Subjects:  1. Christianity - Christian Life - Marriage    2. Family & Relationships    3. Family/Marriage    4. Love & Romance    5. Marriage    6. Religion - Marriage & Family/Singles   

Empowering Couples Building on Your Strengths
by David H. Olson Amy K. Olson
Average Customer Review:
Paperback (07 February, 2000)
list price: $22.95 -- our price: $19.51
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Reviews (1)

Was a great gift for my daughter & son- in-law
My husband and I bought a book too. Empowering Couples was a very helpful book for us.It is well written and has very useful relationship tips and information. It was also very fun doing the couple exercises with my husband.This book would make a wonderful wedding or shower gift for any couple, young or old. ... Read more

Isbn: 0967198321
Sales Rank: 227051
Subjects:  1. Couples    2. Family & Relationships    3. Family & Relationships / Interpersonal Relations    4. Family & Relationships / Marriage    5. Family/Marriage    6. Interpersonal Relations    7. Man-woman relationships    8. Marriage    9. Communication    10. Love & Romance    11. Love / Sex / Marriage    12. Relationships   

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
by John M. Gottman Nan Silver
Average Customer Review:
Paperback (16 May, 2000)
list price: $14.95 -- our price: $10.17
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Editorial Review

According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.

Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the pediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)

Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty," he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship."While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply."

Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. --Erica Jorgensen ... Read more

Reviews (60)

Gave me a second chance at marriage
Until about five years ago, I hated my life, my marriage, and my job. I was obsessed to control everything and everyone I could to make my life better. It kept making it worse but the worse it became, the more I obsessed about controling everything. I was spiraling down a tunnel of misery. My marriage was right about to end and I was beginning to have panic attacks. Being a very cynical person, I never thought that these books would actually help. But when the last straw snapped, I became so desperate that I opened this book that a more happily married friend gave me. That was when I saw that there is a way out. Until then I was not able to see how I think and how I behave in any objective way but this book helped me to look at my marriage objectively and this made me realize that I was a big part of the problem and if it was to get better, I need to change myself rather than control other people. I enrolled in a mindfulness and self-awareness training program and that together with this book enabled me to begin identifying my own insecurities and how it was affecting my marriage. My husband was not interested at the time so I was doing this all by myself. But after a few more months went by, my husband realized how I have changed and he became interested in it as well. We now go to different self-awareness programs and use books like this to help us grow in a more positive way. We are now using another book called "The Ever-Transcending Spirit" by Toru Sato as well. This one is also such a great book that it is helping us so much to learn to communicate properly and grow together as human beings. I have read less than fifteen but it is my favorite book on relationships now. Now we actually enjoy doing things together. And when we don't like what the other is doing, we tell them what we are worried about or afraid of instead of offending each other. We appreciate each other more than before and we enjoy just talking to each other like when we began dating many many years ago. I know that we both still have a long way to go but there already is a feeling of peace and centeredness in me that I have never felt before.

Couples' Counseling using Gottman
As an intern in a neighborhood mental health clinic I used the Seven Principles book as a guide for many couples whose relationship was in distress.It was so effective that it became the basis for my Graduate Paper.
There is one big warning.Chapter Two lists the signs of divorce.This list is dangerous to the relationship if one or both read it and get discouraged or scared.I recommend that any couselor who uses this book, take the time to discuss this chapter in depth and emphasize hope.LOTS of HOPE.
Gottman is correct when he says that most couples come into counseling with one foot out the door already.Chapter Two can give them the final 'reason' to bolt out of the relationship.
With that said, I highly recommend the use of this book as a guide to couples' therapy.
Good Luck and Peace in our time, Gregg Max Psy.D.

Useful for Gay Marriages too!
I read this book a while back and have been to John Gottman's lectures and professional workshops. He is a true scientist when it comes to knowing couples and is the first heterosexual couples therapist who has spent time studying Lesbian and Gay relationships with excellent findings on his website www.gottman.com. I highly recommend this book and going to his site to read the research on what he discovered with Gay and Lesbian couples. ... Read more

Isbn: 0609805797
Subjects:  1. Child Care/Parenting    2. Communication in marriage    3. Family & Relationships    4. Interpersonal Relations    5. Love / Sex / Marriage    6. Marriage    7. Married people    8. Psychology    9. Family & Relationships / Marriage   

Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
by Michele Weiner Davis
Average Customer Review:
Hardcover (10 September, 2001)
list price: $22.00 -- our price: $15.40
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Editorial Review

In the United States, half of all marriages do not end in divorce--despite the interference of hell-bent lawyers, biased therapists, the media, and even well-meaning friends. The Divorce Remedy aims to increase this percentage by offering seven clear steps that couples--or even one hopeful spouse--can implement privately. A therapist herself, relationship expert Michele Weiner Davis accurately (and often humorously) shows how typical counseling and communications tactics backfire. Her method for saving a marriage involves an effective blend of subtle and obvious action steps, each taken in specific order. After a myth-busting lecture on the realities of divorce, Weiner Davis thoroughly outlines her simple plan. Intimidating discussion topics andemotional letter writing are not required; as she succinctly puts it, "happiness is a do-it-yourself job." Poignant questions help readers define their own needs, set specific marriage goals, and monitor results. Weiner Davis pays special attention to issues of infidelity, depression, midlife crises, and "passion meltdowns," showing how basic relationship skills (like understanding and patience) can reverse even the most dire marital scenarios. Clients' stories and letters provide ample testimony for the program's success, and despite her own zealous back-patting, Weiner Davis's sensible approach to revitalizing one's marriage seems truly worthy of praise and practice. --Liane Thomas ... Read more

Reviews (19)

The best of all the divorce reading
I went through some difficult times with my husband two years ago, and read at least 30-40 books about relationships, divorce, midlife crisis, etc.This book is far and away the best and most useful.There are no guarantees it will save your marriage, but it helps you to understand how you got where you are. It also tells you what to do to get yourself and hopefully, your marriage, back on track. You will be asked to do some tough soul-searching, learn to forgive your spouse, and also see your own part in the problems.Divorce is never one-sided, and unless you are willing to do the hard work on your own issues, you are not likely to succeed.There were many days I doubted things would work out, but things are now better than ever.(Great counselling also helps!)But if you can only pick one book to get through this difficult time in your marriage, this is definitely the one.

DIVORCE SOUTHERN STYLE
I READ SOUTHERN DIVORCE AND FOUND IT TO BOTH FASCINATING AND HELPFUL. FASCINATING BECAUSE OF THE INFORMATION ABOUT SOUTHERN CULTURE. I DID NOT REALIZE THIS WAS NOT ONLY THE BIBLE BELT, BUT THE DIVORCE BELT AS WELL.THE BOOK IS HELPFUL BECAUSE OF ALL THE PRACTICAL INFORMATION IT GIVES YOU ABOUT THE DIVORCING PROCESS,FROM HOW TO HIRE A LAWYER TO HOW TO PROTECT YOUR ASSETS.I WOULD HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

Confused........
At first, I thought this book had some really good tips to follow to help save my marriage. But what the book doesn't tell is that if you are constantly hitting a brick wall that it's time to move on. It keeps telling you (btw...I got the feeling this book is writen for the woman to win her husband back) to put your feelings completely aside and "trick" him by not dealing with the problem at all until he's ready to listen. What if you are married to a guy who thinks every time you "share your feelings" you are making a direct attack upon him even if he knows he was dead wrong? This writer's advice may work occasionally but the reality is that not all spouses are mature and able to apply Ms. Davis' theory in practice. ... Read more

Isbn: 0684873540
Subjects:  1. Communication    2. Communication in marriage    3. General    4. Interpersonal relations    5. Love / Sex / Marriage    6. Marital psychotherapy    7. Marriage    8. Self-Help    9. Family & Relationships / Marriage   

The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido
by Michele Weiner-Davis
Average Customer Review:
Hardcover (07 January, 2003)
list price: $24.00 -- our price: $16.32
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Editorial Review

In contrast to its tabloid title, The Sex-Starved Marriage offers candid and sensible counsel for couples with mismatched libidos. Seasoned sex therapist Michele Weiner-Davis skewers two stereotypes about sex in marriage. First, she jettisons the idea that husbands are hot and wives are not, giving examples of "low-desire" men in her practice. Next, she upends the longstanding model of sexual response and advises readers: "Just do it. Desire is a decision. Once the low-interest partner allowshim/herself to be touched and aroused, this will trigger a strong desire to continue being sexual." The strength of her approach to the causes of sexual stalemate lies in her insights about the struggles of both partners. Her suggestions (how to break the ice, how to court your partner, nag busting, and the Hallmark solution) are not gimmicky and are presented as techniques for couples, not individuals.Weakened only by a final chapter--one that discloses too many details about the author’s marriage--this perceptive book will inspire couples to add heat and light to their marriage. --Barbara Mackoff ... Read more

Reviews (26)

A Start, But Too Simplistic & Broad -See Below For More Help
Deeper issues are at hand in a "sex-starved" marriage than Michele Weiner-Davis deals with in this book.In the vast majority of cases other than those dealing with physical problems (although it can occur here too), the root of a "sex-starved" marriage or relationship is a very real and very prominent disease called "Sexual Anorexia."Sexual Anorexia is the active withholding of emotions, feelings, affection, and sex.It is a form of control.Much like a Food Anorexic with eating, a Sexual Anorexic will starve a marriage and relationship of sex and physical affection for deeper emotional reasons and avoidance.(See below for the sources of these definitions.)Sexual Anorexia is not even mentioned in Weiner-Davis' book.For such a "comprehensive" book, this is a significant oversight and deletion.

Weiner-Davis devotes most of her pages to painting and describing various "sex-starved" scenarios, but offers minimal practical help and only cursory "scratch the surface" behavioral approaches to the problem.Reading these descriptions does offer a person a feeling of not being so alone.(Just look here at other reviews indicating a feeling of hope at the revelation that others are dealing with such difficulty.)The descriptions alone, though, do not leave one feeling hopeful about getting help.The book is so broad in its scope and soupy in its application that one comes away recognizing the problem but not really knowing how to get targeted help for it.

There is hope, and there are more in-depth, well-researched, targeted, and practical books.I would recommend any of the books by Dr. Douglas Weiss and Dr. Patrick Carnes found here on Amazon.Both men are forerunners in the research, study, and counseling of Sexual Anorexia.Their respective websites are www.sexaddict.comwww.winningatmarriage.comand www.sexhelp.comYou will find excellent information, explanation, definitions, resources, links, and contact numbers for help.

If you want a cursory explanation of what a marriage without sex looks like, purchase Weiner-Davis' book.If you want to go beyond that picture and get practical help, check out the doctors and resources above.

WRONGLY TITLED: RIGHTLY WRITTEN
I have not read the entire book--only bits and pieces while at different book-stores. And I know why I am hesitating in purchasing it just yet: a. The marriage of the friends for whom I want to buy the book is at a very early stage, and maybe they dont need this book just yet.
b. But the bigger reason is the title of the book. Using the word 'starved' has made it appear as a one-sided book---a book only for those whose libido is high----whereas typically the low-libido person needs to read this book also, since s/he needs to u.stand how her/his insensitivity to the sexual needs of her/his partner, can be ruining an otherwise happy marriage.
The 'starved' seems to spell only the 'deprived' partner's state, whereas in as much as it takes 2 to tango (and make love), both people need to be addressed. Infact, inside the covers, the book does precisely that----its a very well written book, with equal sections for both the people. Thus it should be definitely a very useful book for both partners.
Maybe a title like: 'SEX-DEVOID MARRIAGE' sounds more neutral in its approach.

Simple to understand
My husband begged me to read this after we had a baby.He was right that we weren't really at the same place just then.The writer doesn't use a lot of psychobabble and the gist is easy to understand and follow.Things won't magically get better overnight, but just recognizing our different needs has made it much better already. ... Read more

Isbn: 0743227328
Subjects:  1. Family & Relationships    2. Family/Marriage    3. Love & Romance    4. Love / Sex / Marriage    5. Marriage    6. Sex in marriage    7. Sexual Instruction    8. Sexual behavior    9. Sexual desire disorders    10. Sexual disorders    11. Family & Relationships / Love & Romance   

The Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever
by Dr. Patricia Love
Average Customer Review:
Paperback (05 June, 2001)
list price: $14.00 -- our price: $11.20
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Reviews (7)

Great start, Good finish
In The Truth About Love, Dr. Love breaks "love" down into four stages -- Infatuation, Post-Rapture, Discovery, and Connection.The first part of the book seems pretty grounded in science and makes for interesting reading.I can understand why relationships tend to fall apart for many people.I can also see why rushing into marriage can be a bad idea.The Infatuation Stage, she tells us, can last from 6 months to 2 years.So, rushing into marriage while still infatuated can create false ideas of what the marriage will be like.This part of the book was quite strong.I would say that the later parts of the book -- Discovery and Connection -- are strong too, but I sometimes found the information a little repetitive.I did learn a lot while reading this book, and I did see my relationship improve.And, interestingly, the relationship improved even though I was the only one of the two of us who read the book -- just like the book promised could happen.My only complaint is that the book probably could have been twenty pages shorter.But, it's still a good and helpful read.

There's more to love thanyou think
Don't be misled by the somewhat cheesy title or the fact that the author's name is Dr. Patricia LOVE-this is an excellent book that provides a much needed reality check to both married and unmarried couples alike. Whether you're having relationship problems or experiencing smooth sailing with your partner, this book is a highly recommended "must read." Filled with practical advice, The Truth About Love takes an honest look at the nature of love in all it's myriad forms and walks you through and shows you how to cope with the various stages that all relationships go through. Dr. Love shows that true love is truly a lot of work but that it if you're serious about it, it can be one of the most rewarding jobs in life. My boyfriend and I read this a year ago in an effort to better understand one another and to work through some issues we were having-not only did this book relieve some anxieties that we both were experiencing but it brought us closer together. Love is more than a feeling; it's a journey that you take with another person and both of you are active participants in how that journey unfolds. So make the most of it and read this book.

The first chapter alone will blow your mind!
I think this book is one of the greatest love books ever written. I love the fact how doctor Love explains the biology of love and the diffrent phases love goes through. You will defintely love this book. Also you will gain so much knowledge. This book is a must for everyone, whether you single, married, or divorced. This book is the BOMB!

Thanx's Dr. Love for such a terrific book. ... Read more

Isbn: 0684871882
Sales Rank: 23798
Subjects:  1. Family / Parenting / Childbirth    2. General    3. Intimacy (Psychology)    4. Love    5. Love & Romance    6. Man-woman relationship    7. Man-woman relationships    8. Marriage    9. Physiological Psychology    10. Self-Help    11. Family & Relationships / Love & Romance   

Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking
by Patricia Love Jo Robinson
Average Customer Review:
Paperback (01 January, 1995)
list price: $15.00 -- our price: $10.20
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Editorial Review

Written by Dr. Love, a sex therapist with an aptronym if ever there was one, Hot Monogamy is no contradiction in terms. Comedian Dave Barry may joke about his guide to "marriage and/or sex," but Dr. Love's book proves that becoming sensually and "sexually fluent" is a skill that can send flames soaring, no matter how long you've been a couple or how humdrum your sex life has become.

Hot Monogamy includes a nine-step program that starts with a self-quiz for each partner for determining "sexual style." This helps pinpoint which areas need to be worked on, such as resolving differences in desire--one of the most common problems amonglong-term couples. Communication is a big topic, but another painless quiz helps reveal romantic expectations both in and out of bed to help clarify exactly where overlooked problems may be festering.

Then comes technique. The chapter "Variety: How to Have More Fun in Bed" may prove the most useful, with discussions of sex toys, fantasy, sex games, and other forms of experimentation. Dr. Love is a firm believer in the G spot, and clearly explains how to make maximum fireworks with it. The book also includes contact information for sexual products that can be sent to you confidentially, as well as guidelines and resources for seeing a sex therapist. ... Read more

Reviews (6)

Better book to read is PASSION PLAY
by Felice Dunas. Patricia Love makes some good points when she says that a couple should address their sexual issues LONG BEFORE they decide to get into therapy.

Read Dunas's book also. While Dunas' book is very sexually explicit, dealing with the ancient Chinese approach to great sex- yin/yang energy moving - she is very practical she even has a sample monogamy agreement included for couples.

Too Hot!
After eight years of marriage, I found Dr. Love's book to be a truly practical, intellectual and stimulating (pun intended!) guide to a more passionate, intimate love relationship. Be sure to share this with all your friends!

Dr. "Love" Has No Clue About It
Only a woman who had a marriage end because of her own lack of interest of sex could have written a book like this.She writes that a lack of interest in sex does not mean a lack of love.I have discovered that only two groups of people feel this way:Men who have wives with a high levelof sexual desire and who initiate sex on a regular basis, and women with alow level of sexual desire who probably lost a husband by saying "Idon't care if I ever do it again." ... Read more

Isbn: 0452273668
Subjects:  1. Communication in sex    2. Family & Relationships    3. Love / Sex / Marriage    4. Man-woman relationships    5. Sexuality    6. Family & Relationships / General